How 'Are We Dating the Same Guy?' Became the Internet's Most Asked Question

When I first came to New York City I was subletting a room in a shared apartment from a stranger I met off of Facebook. A quintessential New York experience. One of my roommates had recently been screwed over by a guy and had to talk about it all the time. Whenever she’d catch me on my way to the kitchen, she’d tell me about how he hadn't messaged her back. If she noticed that my bedroom door was ajar, she’d pop in to say hello and stop for a (one-sided) conversation about the shitty date he had taken her on. I politely listened, often drifting off into my own world and nodding to keep up the pretence that she had my attention.

One day, in a rant about how awful he had been to her, she caught my attention when she uttered the words: “I’ll search him up in the group chat.” Group chat? What group chat? What was she on about?

We are living in a world with increasingly fewer moments of shared culture and context, and that is thanks in part to the internet. ‘Bama rush was my first indication of this reality. I had never been to Alabama nor was I ever interested in Greek life, yet when a blonde freshman doing her OOTD popped on my ‘For You’ page, I definitely knew this content wasn’t for me and that a world outside of my own algorithm existed. A world where “the pants store” was an actual place, and self-tanner was part of a beauty ritual. It was as if I had peered into another dimension. So when my roommate told me about a slew of Facebook groups called “Are We Dating the Same Guy (insert city here)” I knew that I had stepped into a new world.

The premise of these groups is simple: people who date men go onto the page and ask the profound question. Women (it is primarily women) and gay and bisexual men share their dating experiences in an effort to warn others about their date’s behaviour. Beyond detailing red flags others should look for, the posts, which are sometimes anonymous, often involve instances of abuse, racism, and assault. Alternatively, the group is also used by its members to “sense check” their potential dates. Some consider it a form of Yelp for dating in the city, and others think of it as a necessity, especially in an environment where many of us are meeting romantic interests online and have no context for who they are as a person.

My parents and many other couples of their generation met at work, or a café, or were set up by mutual friends. In essence, people met in the outside world and often had some context for who the other person was and what they did before resolving to go on a date and begin a relationship. That is, obviously, not the case today. I doubt many of us have enough friends who know people they could set us up with. I’m not positing that older generations had a greater sense of community and knew their neighbours and said hi to folks on the street, because that is not true. I am saying that how folks in my generation build community has largely been online via social media. While we, in theory, are connected to a slew of like-minded individuals based on our follower counts, in reality, we aren’t. And this is affecting how we date.

So, back to my old roommate. She types up this douche bag’s name and there it is. A thread dedicated to his bad behaviour. Women from different parts of the city detail how he led them on, has commitment issues and how he “love bombed” them. A woman in the comment section even confessed that she has recently matched with him on a dating app and they had planned to get dinner later that week. She tells the group that she will cancel on their date based on what she’s read.

While group chats like this one are new, gossip isn’t. People have been gossiping since the first slight was committed. Gossip brings people together, it establishes norms for relationships, it binds society. If I tell you a story about how an old friend screwed me over, I’m also communicating to you, on the receiving end, the kind of behaviour I expect from people I consider to be my friends. Gossip is great! I will die on that hill.

So while social media and dating apps may have introduced us to people who we may have never met in any other scenario, it is clear, that we still need a community of people (and gossip) to help us navigate relationships with strangers. It’s not just the groups, singles events are popping up all over the city (how 90s). A month ago, The New York Times published a piece about the ‘Chaotic Singles Party,’ where guests are instructed to bring a dating app match as their plus one. Facebook Group turned dating event ‘Vouched Dating,’ has guests bring an ex-boyfriend, brother or friend they would “recommend” to other singles at the party. The tech is also catching on on our need for community and dating apps that aren’t populated by men holding fish (unless that’s your thing.) Hulah, a dating app that launched last year, is a social platform with users who are primarily women. These women are, then, able to “recommend” men to other women on the app. In a sense, the men on the app come pre-vetted.

This is all to say that when it comes to dating, the vibes are off! And people are turning to speed dating events, matchmakers and even strangers on the internet to make some sense of it all.